Outta gas

This may be another on my list of entries that I feel the need to warn you, dear reader that this is my blog and I didn't make you come here and hence reserve the rights to any ensuing whining, pissing, moaning and/or bitching whether perceived by you or deliberately thrown into the soulless vacuum of the internet by yours truly.  If you can't stomach an emo post every now and again, let me direct you here or here or here and you can entertain yourself while I wallow in self-pity/shove my head up my ass for a paragraph or seven.

I've been spending a lot of time at my parents' house lately.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love to spend time with them, but I've noticed a pattern develop since I moved home when it comes to how much time I spend there.  The time spent sitting in my mom's living room is directly proportional to how much I don't want to be alone, yet don't feel that anyone in my phone wants to see me.  In a typical week, I go to see my family about twice a week; once to do laundry and once on random happenstance or when I'm baking for questing and my apartment is either too hot for the oven, or I just don't have all the required ingredients and I don't feel like going out and purchasing some for myself.  For the past two weeks though, I've gone there every day.   I usually thank my mom for putting up with me and for feeding me dinner.  She's responded several times with "oh you can come here as much as you'd like, it doesn't bother me.  What bothers me is how lonely you seem."  I always respond with "I'm not lonely Mom.  I've got friends."  Lately though, I've been doing a lot of digging and I've realized that she's right. 

I'm not implying that I have no one; all I'm getting at is that all of my friends either live too far away to see on a regular basis, have changed so much that I have trouble finding what originally connected us, or friends that I don't feel comfortable asking randomly to hang out because I'd feel like I was intruding.  School is always an ordeal for me, every semester and while I end up exchanging phone numbers with a classmate or two, I never feel comfortable enough to want to engage anyone outside of class.  I mean c'mon, I play a bastardized version of D&D twice a week and fence; who's not going to be scared off by that?  This is something that I've struggled with since I moved.  Since before I moved, actually since I purposely (wrongfully, stupidly) isolated myself from my friends during my last relationship, and despite the fact that I got out of that world of toxic crap and out of that state, life moved on for everyone else and I've been left scrambling and trying to cling to bits of the past that don't exist anymore.  Either struggling with nostalgia or the fact that I let my friendships decay has gotten me down and while I've been able to push it aside for the most part, lately I haven't.  This fact looms in my face and every day I find it harder to push past to just function. 

I think that a lot of this loneliness also has a lot to do with my last relationship.  I placed too much value in whatshisbucket's opinion, and due to his...mentality, I was constantly on eggshells.  That and his waywardness with porn, trying to revive old flames and being on the lookout for new flames did quite the number on my self image, the impact of which I'm only now realizing.  He'd make incredibly rude comments that upset me at first (prime example: "All of the girls in Utah are either really hot or really ugly...looks like I got stuck with the only middle ground." Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the most attractive person ever but I don't think that I'm ugly however, you don't say stuff like that to your girlfriend) but eventually learned to swallow because he was just kidding.  I've lost a lot of the confidence that I once had and despite the fact that my job has forced me to learn to interact with total strangers, I'm just a big of an introvert as ever.  Only now I'm terrified of coming out of my shell because I don't want to bother others with my problems.

It reminds me of a classmate from high school who I see from time to time.  You ask him how he is and what's new and you get his entire life story.  Now, I realize that friends will ask the "how are you" question with genuine interest but typically when they do, they're not looking for your whole life/sob story as soon as you walk in the door.  I don't want to be like this person, so when I'm asked how I am and what I've been up to, I generally keep the answers to a sentence or two.  This isn't healthy.  There is a balance and while this acquaintance is at one end of the scale, I'm at the other.  I'm afraid of venturing toward  the middle because I'm afraid of not knowing where to stop.  Much like this blog post.  I had no intention of going this in depth with how I've been feeling but damnit, I need to get it out and I'm no fan of cryptic bullshit. 

Top this off with (still) grieving over my grandpa and I feel almost no energy whatsoever to pursue that which I love.  I still dance, and I still quest and I still fence.  But I feel so exhausted.  Keeping up at work is something that I have to actively make myself do.  I have to focus and concentrate on the basics both at work and at home.  I wish I could go back and fix what I messed up but I can't.  I made my bed, and I'm lying in it.
But

I want to play a different game now.