The last time I posted to this blog, I was out of sorts. Stressed, refusing to change my situation to relieve it and lonelier than I've been in a long, long time.
The time before that when I posted to this blog, I was out of sorts. Stressed, refusing to change my situation, and lonelier than I've ever been.
Now, I'm out of sorts. I'm stressed about school, work, my un-relationship, and rather lonely. I'm doing what I can for my situation but damn. Combine failing at work with the semester's-end crunch time and second guessing myself for every kiss, every touch, every "I love you" or "I miss you" and fuck me sideways, Batman. I want to tell Mr. Beautiful everything that I think of him without him getting freaked out about commitment and running away. I'm craving some human interaction. I want my group project to go away. I want my job to stop sucking. I want to go to bed and not get out of it for a few days.
Instead, I wear my brave face. I get up and walk into the classroom to get this project done. I look at Mr. Beautiful and tell him that I'm thinking happy mammal thoughts when he asks me. I push myself every way that I can think of at work.
Here's hoping that it works.
Tuesday, April 5
Monday, November 15
Procrasturbation.
My name is Heather, and I'm a procrasturbator.
I'm not even going to try to hide it. I have two projects to complete in the next two and a half weeks: an interview and a movie from the 60s that I have to analyze. Have I even started on them? Well kinda. For my interview, I know whose brain I'm going to pick and I've borrowed the movie I'm going to watch. That counts for something right?
I should be proactive or something, since I got off of work an hour early and have nothing to do with myself until 6. Have I started? Let me tell you what I've done:
1) Eaten brown sugar out of the bag
2) Taken a nap.
I had the offer for free tea, and I didn't take it. Why? I'm not in the mood for a date right now. (I guess I'd better come out with it and admit that the whole Chris situation didn't work out at all, and that may or may not be at my fault but I'll never know because that would involve him using his words And after the past two relationships, I've come to the following conclusion: I'm done dating broken people.) I could vacuum. Why would I do that? Take out the trash? Nah but it is right next to where the brown sugar lives so that's close, right?
And now I'm giving the vacuum of the internet this lovely post. That's it, I'm going grocery shopping. Yay!
I'm not even going to try to hide it. I have two projects to complete in the next two and a half weeks: an interview and a movie from the 60s that I have to analyze. Have I even started on them? Well kinda. For my interview, I know whose brain I'm going to pick and I've borrowed the movie I'm going to watch. That counts for something right?
I should be proactive or something, since I got off of work an hour early and have nothing to do with myself until 6. Have I started? Let me tell you what I've done:
1) Eaten brown sugar out of the bag
2) Taken a nap.
I had the offer for free tea, and I didn't take it. Why? I'm not in the mood for a date right now. (I guess I'd better come out with it and admit that the whole Chris situation didn't work out at all, and that may or may not be at my fault but I'll never know because that would involve him using his words And after the past two relationships, I've come to the following conclusion: I'm done dating broken people.) I could vacuum. Why would I do that? Take out the trash? Nah but it is right next to where the brown sugar lives so that's close, right?
And now I'm giving the vacuum of the internet this lovely post. That's it, I'm going grocery shopping. Yay!
Friday, October 1
Outta gas
This may be another on my list of entries that I feel the need to warn you, dear reader that this is my blog and I didn't make you come here and hence reserve the rights to any ensuing whining, pissing, moaning and/or bitching whether perceived by you or deliberately thrown into the soulless vacuum of the internet by yours truly. If you can't stomach an emo post every now and again, let me direct you here or here or here and you can entertain yourself while I wallow in self-pity/shove my head up my ass for a paragraph or seven.
I've been spending a lot of time at my parents' house lately. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love to spend time with them, but I've noticed a pattern develop since I moved home when it comes to how much time I spend there. The time spent sitting in my mom's living room is directly proportional to how much I don't want to be alone, yet don't feel that anyone in my phone wants to see me. In a typical week, I go to see my family about twice a week; once to do laundry and once on random happenstance or when I'm baking for questing and my apartment is either too hot for the oven, or I just don't have all the required ingredients and I don't feel like going out and purchasing some for myself. For the past two weeks though, I've gone there every day. I usually thank my mom for putting up with me and for feeding me dinner. She's responded several times with "oh you can come here as much as you'd like, it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is how lonely you seem." I always respond with "I'm not lonely Mom. I've got friends." Lately though, I've been doing a lot of digging and I've realized that she's right.
I'm not implying that I have no one; all I'm getting at is that all of my friends either live too far away to see on a regular basis, have changed so much that I have trouble finding what originally connected us, or friends that I don't feel comfortable asking randomly to hang out because I'd feel like I was intruding. School is always an ordeal for me, every semester and while I end up exchanging phone numbers with a classmate or two, I never feel comfortable enough to want to engage anyone outside of class. I mean c'mon, I play a bastardized version of D&D twice a week and fence; who's not going to be scared off by that? This is something that I've struggled with since I moved. Since before I moved, actually since I purposely (wrongfully, stupidly) isolated myself from my friends during my last relationship, and despite the fact that I got out of that world of toxic crap and out of that state, life moved on for everyone else and I've been left scrambling and trying to cling to bits of the past that don't exist anymore. Either struggling with nostalgia or the fact that I let my friendships decay has gotten me down and while I've been able to push it aside for the most part, lately I haven't. This fact looms in my face and every day I find it harder to push past to just function.
I think that a lot of this loneliness also has a lot to do with my last relationship. I placed too much value in whatshisbucket's opinion, and due to his...mentality, I was constantly on eggshells. That and his waywardness with porn, trying to revive old flames and being on the lookout for new flames did quite the number on my self image, the impact of which I'm only now realizing. He'd make incredibly rude comments that upset me at first (prime example: "All of the girls in Utah are either really hot or really ugly...looks like I got stuck with the only middle ground." Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the most attractive person ever but I don't think that I'm ugly however, you don't say stuff like that to your girlfriend) but eventually learned to swallow because he was just kidding. I've lost a lot of the confidence that I once had and despite the fact that my job has forced me to learn to interact with total strangers, I'm just a big of an introvert as ever. Only now I'm terrified of coming out of my shell because I don't want to bother others with my problems.
It reminds me of a classmate from high school who I see from time to time. You ask him how he is and what's new and you get his entire life story. Now, I realize that friends will ask the "how are you" question with genuine interest but typically when they do, they're not looking for your whole life/sob story as soon as you walk in the door. I don't want to be like this person, so when I'm asked how I am and what I've been up to, I generally keep the answers to a sentence or two. This isn't healthy. There is a balance and while this acquaintance is at one end of the scale, I'm at the other. I'm afraid of venturing toward the middle because I'm afraid of not knowing where to stop. Much like this blog post. I had no intention of going this in depth with how I've been feeling but damnit, I need to get it out and I'm no fan of cryptic bullshit.
Top this off with (still) grieving over my grandpa and I feel almost no energy whatsoever to pursue that which I love. I still dance, and I still quest and I still fence. But I feel so exhausted. Keeping up at work is something that I have to actively make myself do. I have to focus and concentrate on the basics both at work and at home. I wish I could go back and fix what I messed up but I can't. I made my bed, and I'm lying in it.
But
I want to play a different game now.
I've been spending a lot of time at my parents' house lately. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love to spend time with them, but I've noticed a pattern develop since I moved home when it comes to how much time I spend there. The time spent sitting in my mom's living room is directly proportional to how much I don't want to be alone, yet don't feel that anyone in my phone wants to see me. In a typical week, I go to see my family about twice a week; once to do laundry and once on random happenstance or when I'm baking for questing and my apartment is either too hot for the oven, or I just don't have all the required ingredients and I don't feel like going out and purchasing some for myself. For the past two weeks though, I've gone there every day. I usually thank my mom for putting up with me and for feeding me dinner. She's responded several times with "oh you can come here as much as you'd like, it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is how lonely you seem." I always respond with "I'm not lonely Mom. I've got friends." Lately though, I've been doing a lot of digging and I've realized that she's right.
I'm not implying that I have no one; all I'm getting at is that all of my friends either live too far away to see on a regular basis, have changed so much that I have trouble finding what originally connected us, or friends that I don't feel comfortable asking randomly to hang out because I'd feel like I was intruding. School is always an ordeal for me, every semester and while I end up exchanging phone numbers with a classmate or two, I never feel comfortable enough to want to engage anyone outside of class. I mean c'mon, I play a bastardized version of D&D twice a week and fence; who's not going to be scared off by that? This is something that I've struggled with since I moved. Since before I moved, actually since I purposely (wrongfully, stupidly) isolated myself from my friends during my last relationship, and despite the fact that I got out of that world of toxic crap and out of that state, life moved on for everyone else and I've been left scrambling and trying to cling to bits of the past that don't exist anymore. Either struggling with nostalgia or the fact that I let my friendships decay has gotten me down and while I've been able to push it aside for the most part, lately I haven't. This fact looms in my face and every day I find it harder to push past to just function.
I think that a lot of this loneliness also has a lot to do with my last relationship. I placed too much value in whatshisbucket's opinion, and due to his...mentality, I was constantly on eggshells. That and his waywardness with porn, trying to revive old flames and being on the lookout for new flames did quite the number on my self image, the impact of which I'm only now realizing. He'd make incredibly rude comments that upset me at first (prime example: "All of the girls in Utah are either really hot or really ugly...looks like I got stuck with the only middle ground." Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm the most attractive person ever but I don't think that I'm ugly however, you don't say stuff like that to your girlfriend) but eventually learned to swallow because he was just kidding. I've lost a lot of the confidence that I once had and despite the fact that my job has forced me to learn to interact with total strangers, I'm just a big of an introvert as ever. Only now I'm terrified of coming out of my shell because I don't want to bother others with my problems.
It reminds me of a classmate from high school who I see from time to time. You ask him how he is and what's new and you get his entire life story. Now, I realize that friends will ask the "how are you" question with genuine interest but typically when they do, they're not looking for your whole life/sob story as soon as you walk in the door. I don't want to be like this person, so when I'm asked how I am and what I've been up to, I generally keep the answers to a sentence or two. This isn't healthy. There is a balance and while this acquaintance is at one end of the scale, I'm at the other. I'm afraid of venturing toward the middle because I'm afraid of not knowing where to stop. Much like this blog post. I had no intention of going this in depth with how I've been feeling but damnit, I need to get it out and I'm no fan of cryptic bullshit.
Top this off with (still) grieving over my grandpa and I feel almost no energy whatsoever to pursue that which I love. I still dance, and I still quest and I still fence. But I feel so exhausted. Keeping up at work is something that I have to actively make myself do. I have to focus and concentrate on the basics both at work and at home. I wish I could go back and fix what I messed up but I can't. I made my bed, and I'm lying in it.
But
I want to play a different game now.
Thursday, September 30
Here's a new thought:
I start posting more than once a year, and said posts are longer than a sentence. Or, on the other hand, I post more often than once a year and have to write entire dissertations because of the amount of goings on in my life. What say you, gentle reader?
A lot has changed in the past year...ish. A lot has stayed the same too: I'm still at Discover, I still quest, I still bake, I still fence, I still dance. As for the changes, though, I've found myself in a relationship. It moves more slowly than I'd like but for the right reasons. Regardless of the speed, his name is Chris and he's wonderful. We met at fencing like six years ago and have been doing that and questing for pretty much that duration...minus his adventure to Portland to become a pastry chef and my meandering into Wyoming for a year and a half...but yes. We've been dating since June and it's been rocking the casbah and my socks since then.
December will mark the end of the third semester of being back at school. I've only been taking 6-7 credit hours and working 32 hours a week. It seems to be a good balance, though my dad thinks that I can do more and my finances have ah, undergone some significant altering. So far I've knocked out psychology, Intro to Imaginative Writing, and Math 1010 (if only this counted as a general...if only). This semester I'm taking Human Biology and Decade of the 60s. My Human Bio professor is a chiropractor from Bountiful and has a very...lighthearted way of lecturing. I think that he finds the shallowness of the course a bit of a joke, but he's very passionate about what he's doing. I love when the class gets him on a tangent for that exact reason. I wasn't very sure how I felt about the 60s class, and I was pretty sleep deprived when I signed up for it and I'm pretty sure that I only signed up for it because it was on the list of general education requirements and it was immediately after Human Biology ended on Tuesdays and Thursdays. However, I've been pleasantly surprised by how much I'm enjoying the class, and the professor (he kept tossing his marker on the floor in feigned shock the first day of class and I seriously considered dropping out sheer annoyance). Dru (my professor) knows his stuff and listening to him lecture is fascinating. Also, when I signed up for the class I kinda forgot that the Civil Rights movement and Vietnam took place during the 60s, so when I found out that we'd be covering more than Woodstock, I was relieved.
Due to my education, I haven't been working full time like I mentioned, and that's led to me not being able to swing going to Thia as often as I'd like. Also, given the choice between going to dance and wandering around Downtown Farmer's Market, sorry Thia but you lose. The market ends this month though and I want to go back, so I'm pulling together loose change to pay her the $40 for lessons every month. I'm not going back to the technique class though; I've gotten on with a troupe. So now, I dance on Wednesday evenings and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to find a gold beaded bra and belt or cough up $300 to purchase one. I'm still going to Beth every Monday night because Beth is awesome and doesn't make me pay her anything and helps me make costumes. I think Beth and I are friends now. Maybe Beth will help me make a bra and belt...or let me borrow one for Spring Fest.
I moved back down to 30 day at work. If I'd gone to flex time in level 1/2, I think that I would have been okay but working full time was killing my stats up there. I didn't make incentive once in the six months that I was up there. My team lead is named Marjorie and she's a bit withdrawn but she's pretty cool too. Other than that, aside from a bunch of stupid policy changes, not a whole lot has gone on in the work side of life.
And finally, I'm giving the LDS religion another try. Well, try isn't exactly the appropriate term, but it's the closest thing that I can think of right now. I've done a lot of self-scrutinizing lately and been thinking on the larger scale of things and I've come to the two following conclusions: 1) I've noticed (particularly in Wyoming) that others treat each other and deal with each other differently than I do and I don't think that it's a personality thing. I think that it's a growing up with a strong religious background ( don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to downplay anyone else's creed or convictions) that's had a lot to do with that. I talked to Tyler a lot about it and he worded it perfectly when he said "a lot of the people I know are good people, they're just rudderless." While I do have some disagreements with the LDS church's doctrine, it is something that I want for my children. 2)Tyler words also struck a cord in me. Rudderless is exactly how I've been feeling for quite some time.
Now because I'm posting this for the whole world to read, I'm going to end it at that. I'm going back, I went to sacrament meeting for the first time in six years last Sunday.
So yeah...that's about it. Oh, and I plan to give y'all pictures with future posts too. Awesome.
A lot has changed in the past year...ish. A lot has stayed the same too: I'm still at Discover, I still quest, I still bake, I still fence, I still dance. As for the changes, though, I've found myself in a relationship. It moves more slowly than I'd like but for the right reasons. Regardless of the speed, his name is Chris and he's wonderful. We met at fencing like six years ago and have been doing that and questing for pretty much that duration...minus his adventure to Portland to become a pastry chef and my meandering into Wyoming for a year and a half...but yes. We've been dating since June and it's been rocking the casbah and my socks since then.
December will mark the end of the third semester of being back at school. I've only been taking 6-7 credit hours and working 32 hours a week. It seems to be a good balance, though my dad thinks that I can do more and my finances have ah, undergone some significant altering. So far I've knocked out psychology, Intro to Imaginative Writing, and Math 1010 (if only this counted as a general...if only). This semester I'm taking Human Biology and Decade of the 60s. My Human Bio professor is a chiropractor from Bountiful and has a very...lighthearted way of lecturing. I think that he finds the shallowness of the course a bit of a joke, but he's very passionate about what he's doing. I love when the class gets him on a tangent for that exact reason. I wasn't very sure how I felt about the 60s class, and I was pretty sleep deprived when I signed up for it and I'm pretty sure that I only signed up for it because it was on the list of general education requirements and it was immediately after Human Biology ended on Tuesdays and Thursdays. However, I've been pleasantly surprised by how much I'm enjoying the class, and the professor (he kept tossing his marker on the floor in feigned shock the first day of class and I seriously considered dropping out sheer annoyance). Dru (my professor) knows his stuff and listening to him lecture is fascinating. Also, when I signed up for the class I kinda forgot that the Civil Rights movement and Vietnam took place during the 60s, so when I found out that we'd be covering more than Woodstock, I was relieved.
Due to my education, I haven't been working full time like I mentioned, and that's led to me not being able to swing going to Thia as often as I'd like. Also, given the choice between going to dance and wandering around Downtown Farmer's Market, sorry Thia but you lose. The market ends this month though and I want to go back, so I'm pulling together loose change to pay her the $40 for lessons every month. I'm not going back to the technique class though; I've gotten on with a troupe. So now, I dance on Wednesday evenings and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to find a gold beaded bra and belt or cough up $300 to purchase one. I'm still going to Beth every Monday night because Beth is awesome and doesn't make me pay her anything and helps me make costumes. I think Beth and I are friends now. Maybe Beth will help me make a bra and belt...or let me borrow one for Spring Fest.
I moved back down to 30 day at work. If I'd gone to flex time in level 1/2, I think that I would have been okay but working full time was killing my stats up there. I didn't make incentive once in the six months that I was up there. My team lead is named Marjorie and she's a bit withdrawn but she's pretty cool too. Other than that, aside from a bunch of stupid policy changes, not a whole lot has gone on in the work side of life.
And finally, I'm giving the LDS religion another try. Well, try isn't exactly the appropriate term, but it's the closest thing that I can think of right now. I've done a lot of self-scrutinizing lately and been thinking on the larger scale of things and I've come to the two following conclusions: 1) I've noticed (particularly in Wyoming) that others treat each other and deal with each other differently than I do and I don't think that it's a personality thing. I think that it's a growing up with a strong religious background ( don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to downplay anyone else's creed or convictions) that's had a lot to do with that. I talked to Tyler a lot about it and he worded it perfectly when he said "a lot of the people I know are good people, they're just rudderless." While I do have some disagreements with the LDS church's doctrine, it is something that I want for my children. 2)Tyler words also struck a cord in me. Rudderless is exactly how I've been feeling for quite some time.
Now because I'm posting this for the whole world to read, I'm going to end it at that. I'm going back, I went to sacrament meeting for the first time in six years last Sunday.
So yeah...that's about it. Oh, and I plan to give y'all pictures with future posts too. Awesome.
Monday, September 27
Wednesday, September 1
Sunday, December 6
Merry Season to you.
Wow. It's been awhile, yes? I've been "promoted" to the next level at work, meaning I make $.10 an hour more and no longer qualify for incentive due to the fact that the cardmembers I talk to aren't forgetful of their bill; they've been rendered unable to pay. I would complain, and while at times it can be mind-numbing, I'm grateful for the silence, and for the opportunities not speaking to anyone that have been granted to me, more so after the new year when the semester starts up.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm re-enrolling for college and while I'm only shooting for two classes, it's something and it'll be getting me one step out from the vortex of crap jobs I find myself in. I'm going for math and English this semester and I plan to attend every available semester until I'm done. So while I may not have a true summer vacation, I won't have a full work load either, and I'm happy with that.
The only major change that's been made in my life since last posting is cooking. I've been baking a lot lately and oh ma gawd I love it. I'm sending a lot of friends whom I either haven't been in contact with or friends who I have no way of seeing this year tins of cookies. I've made eight different cookies so far and I'm not even close to done. So far I've learned that gingerbread men are a bitch to make, but Brer Rabbit full flavor molasses is probably the best discovery I'll make this season. Tasty, folks. Tasty.
Having a job not involved in retail has me remembering that I don't really hate Christmas after all, though I still firmly believe that there is a special place in hell reserved for those who try to butt Christmas in before Halloween and all of those damn songs about shopping instead of the Baby Jesus, which is what the holiday is supposed to be about. Well everyone really knows that Christmas is just a whitewashing of the pagan celebration of the winter solstice, but that's beside the point. Anyway. I'm a little bit giddy to buy people presents and to decorate my place. That's what I was getting at.
Today marks the first day real snow day of the season. I topped out at 50 on the freeway this morning and nearly rear ended a Civic on my way to work. And though I've got an extensive list on my love/hate relationship with snow and winter, everything was eclipsed by the need for a cup of tea and a stipulation of sorts, which is what I currently present to you.
I've been thinking a lot about Em Grace lately. I don't know what's prompted it, but I miss that lady with quite the ferocity. I think what started me off was the question a book asked me to name off someone who has fulfilled their dreams. Now, Em, I'm not saying that you've accomplished everything that you hope to in your life, but if there's anyone I can think of who has made a significant impact on the planet and on strangers, it's you, hands down. You're quite the inspiration, and I tip my hat to you.
Anyway, back on track, I've been missing my Em Grace. I'm actually drinking MightyLeaf tea, as it's the tea we drank back in the Solid Rock. I'm pondering, rambling, musing. And I've got Iron and Wine a-playing. I hope her pumpkin bread arrives as moist as it is the day I make it, later this week.
So yes. That's about it. Oh and my laptop is on its way out, so I'm looking at replacing it, and my connection freeloading, bandwidth stealing ways were cut tragically short when both neighbors with unsecured connections moved. That is all.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm re-enrolling for college and while I'm only shooting for two classes, it's something and it'll be getting me one step out from the vortex of crap jobs I find myself in. I'm going for math and English this semester and I plan to attend every available semester until I'm done. So while I may not have a true summer vacation, I won't have a full work load either, and I'm happy with that.
The only major change that's been made in my life since last posting is cooking. I've been baking a lot lately and oh ma gawd I love it. I'm sending a lot of friends whom I either haven't been in contact with or friends who I have no way of seeing this year tins of cookies. I've made eight different cookies so far and I'm not even close to done. So far I've learned that gingerbread men are a bitch to make, but Brer Rabbit full flavor molasses is probably the best discovery I'll make this season. Tasty, folks. Tasty.
Having a job not involved in retail has me remembering that I don't really hate Christmas after all, though I still firmly believe that there is a special place in hell reserved for those who try to butt Christmas in before Halloween and all of those damn songs about shopping instead of the Baby Jesus, which is what the holiday is supposed to be about. Well everyone really knows that Christmas is just a whitewashing of the pagan celebration of the winter solstice, but that's beside the point. Anyway. I'm a little bit giddy to buy people presents and to decorate my place. That's what I was getting at.
Today marks the first day real snow day of the season. I topped out at 50 on the freeway this morning and nearly rear ended a Civic on my way to work. And though I've got an extensive list on my love/hate relationship with snow and winter, everything was eclipsed by the need for a cup of tea and a stipulation of sorts, which is what I currently present to you.
I've been thinking a lot about Em Grace lately. I don't know what's prompted it, but I miss that lady with quite the ferocity. I think what started me off was the question a book asked me to name off someone who has fulfilled their dreams. Now, Em, I'm not saying that you've accomplished everything that you hope to in your life, but if there's anyone I can think of who has made a significant impact on the planet and on strangers, it's you, hands down. You're quite the inspiration, and I tip my hat to you.
Anyway, back on track, I've been missing my Em Grace. I'm actually drinking MightyLeaf tea, as it's the tea we drank back in the Solid Rock. I'm pondering, rambling, musing. And I've got Iron and Wine a-playing. I hope her pumpkin bread arrives as moist as it is the day I make it, later this week.
So yes. That's about it. Oh and my laptop is on its way out, so I'm looking at replacing it, and my connection freeloading, bandwidth stealing ways were cut tragically short when both neighbors with unsecured connections moved. That is all.
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